Moral standards

The following essay describes, in detail, the most important moral standards that need to be respected for successfully and effectively dealing with yourself and most kinds of people in a civilized society.  Think of these guidelines as being like "road rules" or "traffic rules" that all drivers need to observe and respect in order to avoid predictable problems, deadly collisions and serious disputes.  Each principle or "boundary" I describe here serves a specific purpose.

Think of this web page as being like a psychological "Mental Operating System" (similar to software for a computer system), or minimum standards of acceptable behaviour and attitudes required to achieve and maintain peaceful and respectful relationships, and a happy enjoyable life.  Some people might find some of my statements offensive or too restrictive, but just like we obey road rules to stay safe and happy while driving a motor vehicle on the road, I believe the following principles will help most people to stay safe, sane and happy on the 'road of life'.  This is like a short "Owner's manual for the brain" or a guide on "how to deal with most kinds of people and yourself".  It contains a lot of wisdom and important people skills that I wish I learned when I was much younger.  These are the best points I learned from studying over 150 self-help books, and attending many years of psychotherapy courses and workshops.  This is how I choose to regulate my own thoughts and attitudes...  Let me know your comments by Emailing me a message!

Boundaries
In summary, I choose and strive to live by the following 7 moral principles:

1. Always tell the truth (even if it makes me look bad...  Never lie, never mislead) and always keep your word ... fulfill all your promises (never break your agreements).  Always being honest with yourself and others (or always honouring your word) is the secret to self-respect, progress, successful relationships, and all good things life has to offer.  Do not hesitate to praise good deeds or great achievements, and always expose and correct evil or hurtful  behaviour.

2. Advantage yourself and other people (Do not disadvantage yourself or other people) - strive for a "win-win" outcome for all - and try to keep everyone happy.  Live by "The Golden Rule":  'Treat others the way you want them to treat you', and conversely, 'Do not treat others the way you do not want them to treat you.'  Avoid being a hypocrite!  Your words and actions should be congruent, or compatible.  Also, do not act like a "control freak" or a dictator.  Nobody likes being treated like an oppressed slave.  Respect other people's freedoms and their right to run their own life, doing what they believe is best.  Respect other people's right to disagree with you.  However, stop them or correct them if they are hurting or disadvantaging others, or if they violate these moral principles.  Promote freedom of choice and more opportunities for progress, for yourself and for others.  Also, value and respect other people's time by not being a burden nor 'asking too much' from others, especially if they are not in agreement.  (See the # NOTE below)

3. Focus on being positive & finding solutions (avoid being habitually pessimistic or negative towards others or yourself).  Praise and appreciate the good work of others and yourself.  As much as possible, avoid negativity, complaining or criticizing - except when an important moral principle was violated.  Avoid being negative and critical towards yourself or others, and only criticize or correct those who hurt or disadvantaged others, or who violated an important moral principle, e.g. They lied, deceived, spread false rumours, hurt someone, committed a criminal offence, or damaged someone's good name or reputation with false slander or libel, etc. The ONLY time a person should be criticized is when that person disregarded a serious moral principle (and this also includes you).  Remember: "Be generous with praise, but cautious with criticism."   Unwarranted negativity and baseless criticism is very damaging and demoralizing, and it also  disadvantages yourself and others.*   (See the * NOTE below)... "Your focus becomes your reality"  - Qui-gon Jinn, Star Wars movie "Phantom Menace" - Episode 1.  If there is a problem, don't waste a lot of time on complaining; instead, focus on understanding the root cause of the problem, and finding solutions so you can fix that problem or improve the situation.

4. Be grateful for everything good in your life.  People naturally desire acceptance, approval, admiration, appreciation and attention... (these are all "free" and do not cost you much time or money).  Be thankful for all the good that people do and give credit where it is due.  Make other people feel good about themselves by showing genuine thanks and appreciation for the good that they have done.

5. Be responsible for everything good and bad in your life ... Work hard and work quickly to increase the good things and decrease the bad things in your life... Increase the number of good influences (or positive people), and decrease the number of bad influences (or negative people) in your life.  Minimize your dependence on other people.  Strive to be as free, self-sufficient and independent as possible.  The more choices you have in life, the more freedom you have.  Accept responsibility for all the successes  and all the failures that happen in your life.  Avoid blaming others for your failures.  Avoid acting like a helpless victim.  Learn from your mistakes, and keep on improving.  Even if someone betrayed you, cheated you, or seriously disadvantaged you - remember, you allowed that person into your life, you chose to trust that person, and you put yourself in that position to be betrayed, cheated and disadvantaged.  Stay positive, learn from your mistakes and keep 'moving forward'.  Stop living in the past and always dwelling on negative things that you cannot change.  Value your time and don't waste it on unrewarding and useless time-wasting activities, like addiction to video games, drugs, excessive entertainment (watching too much TV), etc.  Take full responsibility and control of all aspects of your life.

6. Always monitor, test and adjust your thoughts, beliefs, ideas and 'self-talk' to ensure they are helping you, not hurting you... Be careful about what you choose to trust and believe, because it is very easy to imagine things that are not based on reality (which can cause unnecessary fear and anxiety)... Avoid saying cruel or insulting things to yourself or to others that are hurtful or not true.  Also, there are evil and malicious people in this world who seek to control you, enslave you, harm you, take advantage of you, and manipulate your beliefs, emotions and actions using deliberate lies.  Do not automatically believe everything others say, because it may be wrong, misleading or exaggerated... but test the veracity and accuracy of what others are saying, and ascertain their true intentions  before you give them your trust or support... do the same with your own "inner voice" (test the veracity and accuracy of your own internal dialogue and be aware of your own intentions)... always !  Compare other people's intentions and your own intentions with the above moral principles, and determine if such intentions are helpful or hurtful.  Identify and reject all hurtful, harmful and negative thoughts and intentions (from your own internal "self talk" and from others).  Your intentions, thoughts,  beliefs, attitudes, feelings, responses, actions and daily habits, are all choices that you alone can choose and control... so don't let others control these things for you!

7. There is no such thing as a PERFECT life, but strive to achieve PERFECT balance!  (Note the acronym)

P = Physical health (no sickness or illness), good fitness routine, keeping fit, healthy diet

E = Emotional health, positivity, spirituality, self-control, living by good moral standards

R = Rest & relaxation (holidays or relaxing fun hobbies), 7 or 8 hours of quality sleep each day

F = Financial health, earning enough income, avoiding waste, growing & managing wealth

E = Education, learning useful knowledge & skills, self-improvement, growing mentally

C = Career (job, business, occupation), working on your main mission or biggest goals in life

T = Time for the love of your life (your spouse or partner), also family & friends (socializing)

These are the main areas of life that need regular or weekly attention.  People can feel unhappy when one of these areas is ignored or neglected.  In his audiobook: "Unleash the Power Within", Tony Robbins stated that all humans have basic needs they want to fulfil.  For example, here are some that he mentioned:

1. Certainty (or security) - e.g. stability, peace of mind, safety, financial security

2. Variety - excitement, surprises, interesting new experiences, new adventures or challenges

3. Significance - to feel important and needed, and know that your life has real purpose or meaning

4. Connection - the need for close relationships with others; to feel loved and part of a community

5. Growth - making progress in important areas of your life; mental, emotional, spiritual, financial, etc.

6. Contribution - adding value to your community, helping others in need, charitable works

Giving regular attention to all these areas is a constant balancing act... like a wheel that never stops rolling ... Imagine each of these areas as being like the spoke or radius of a unicycle wheel that must roll forward, and you are riding on that unicycle...  If any of these areas is weak... the wheel will not roll smoothly, and life will be frustrating, uncomfortable and difficult... a very "bumpy ride" due to a non-circular wheel that does not roll smoothly... causing hardship and dissatisfaction.  Refer to the book: "The 3 alarms".

Types of Criticism

*  NOTE:  Moral Principle number 3 ("Focus on being positive") above needs further elaboration and clarification, because many people seem to ignore or neglect this moral principle.  There are two types of criticism: 

(1) Positive criticism - helpful or constructive criticism is based on facts or strong evidence, and is  intended to correct or change bad habits, bad behaviors or bad attitudes... When delivered in the right way (usually in the form of a suggestion presented in a respectful manner), positive criticism offers solutions or means for improvement and can influence another person to change for the better... and

(2) Negative criticism... which comes in two types: (2A) False criticism (of yourself or others) - which is often based on wrong assumptions, lacks supporting evidence, and usually lacks any solutions (e.g. Slander or libel, often fabricated or invented to damage another person's good name or reputation) ... and (2B) Contemptuous / abusive criticism - a very damaging and negative form of direct criticism intended to hurt, insult, belittle and demoralize the other person (or yourself), sometimes delivered with an angry raised voice (e.g. screaming or yelling) or presented in a hostile, physically threatening manner.  

Positive criticism is respectful (and can be delivered in a way to achieve good changes), but negative criticism is stressful and disrespectful (and is usually delivered in a manner that is hurtful, insulting and destructive)... often  offending the receiver of such criticism.  Positive criticism delivered in a respectful manner can be educational and helpful, and is best received when you ask for permission, by asking questions like: "Would you like some advice on how to do this task more effectively?" or "Would you like to know my opinion about what went wrong and how to fix this problem?" ... If they say "Yes", then offer your suggestions or advice... If they say "No", then ask them for their ideas or solutions... e.g. "What do you think will fix this problem?" or "How can this task be improved?"... Show that you respect their opinions and ideas, and respect their freedom of choice - and they will usually respect and consider what you have to say.

I prefer to only deliver "Positive criticism" when I notice an important moral principle being violated, or if I see potential for a big improvement or significant advantages for the other person.  Also, I would deliver such "Positive criticism" or suggestions for improvement in private to avoid embarrassing that person in front of other people.  If I can see room for improvement or better ways of doing things that will definitely benefit or advantage the other person, instead of criticizing, I would offer suggestions or other options to consider in a discreet and non-judgmental manner, without any force or pressure to do things my preferred way.  It is important to me that the other person is free to exercise his or her own free will, and is made aware of better options to consider.  It is very important to respect the other person's right to choose what they want to do.  Unfortunately, too many people imagine they are superior to others, imagine a lot of negative things that are not based on reality or facts, and cause a great deal of misery and suffering by giving out insulting "Negative criticism" that makes people feel bad or feel worse about themselves, or diminishes their self-confidence and self-respect.  So choose your intention carefully!  Before saying or doing anything, always check your intentions by asking yourself: "Do I want to be helpful, or hurtful?"... "Are my actions positive or negative?"

Respect Freedom of Choice
Why do many teenagers tend to rebel against their parents? ... ANSWER: because they naturally hate feeling controlled and restricted by other people's preferences... Most teenagers hate being ordered around and forced into doing things against their will.  Often, well-meaning parents criticize their children too much, hoping to control their children and force them into doing things they don't agree with (e.g. Parents might keep repeating: "You must study hard and earn top grades at school to enter a top University so you can be a professional employee - a Doctor or a Lawyer or an Engineer - to be regarded as 'successful' in life" )... but perhaps that teenager disagrees and wants to make money as an author of fiction books, an Entrepreneur, a YouTuber / Podcaster / Vlogger, a comic book artist, a website developer or a video game developer, or perhaps a musician or entertainer, etc. ... But some parents would over-criticize their child, or insult them and berate them for not obeying and not pursuing the career that the parents prefer.  Most modern teenagers want to be in control of their own lives and be in total agreement with any course of action they wish to pursue.  That is the very definition of "freedom"...  Having full control of your own life and full agreement with what you do with your time.

Intelligent and creative people value freedom and the ability to make their own choices, so it is important to respect other people's "right" to think for themselves, make their own decisions and perform their work the best way they see fit.  People do not appreciate dictators and those who violate their "rights", so respect other people's decisions and actions  (as long as their actions do not violate the good moral principles or "boundaries" mentioned above).  Do not use criticism as a means for controlling or shaming other people into complying with your personal preferences, which have nothing to do with a moral principle being violated... but only criticize when a serious moral principle or "boundary" has been violated (e.g.  One of the above "7 moral principles" was violated, or your partner cheats on you, or falsifies information on a tax return form, or is dishonest or commits a criminal act.)  If you don't like how a person did something or you did not like their work, you can propose or discuss suggestions or alternative options for that person to consider or try in the future that you believe could lead to a better outcome or improvement.  However, in general, most people do not like being criticized or controlled, because most people believe they are "Free", "Intelligent" and "Good"  (Refer to the book: "The Laws of Human Nature" by Robert Greene ).

Excessive criticism or non-stop negative remarks or complaining could be regarded as personal attacks or attempts to act like a dictator or a control-freak.  The person being criticized repeatedly will feel like an oppressed slave, always under attack, because the one doing all the criticizing appears to be acting "superior" or is pretending to be "the boss" or a critic, like some kind of self-appointed "slave-master" or dictator.  Some people who act like "control freaks" and "judges" usually have no idea they are being irritating and insulting, because they are basically infringing on the rights and freedoms of others, who wish to do things their own way.  Therefore, it is important to avoid criticizing others if no moral principle was violated.  People don't want to feel controlled, like mindless slaves... they want to fully agree with what they are doing, and how they are doing it, and believe they are doing their work in the best way possible.  Nobody has the right to control the life of another person  (except in the case of the justice system punishing evildoers and criminals who must serve their time in jail, because they broke the laws of the land).  Parents have the right to care for and guide their children and teenagers, but they do not have the right to enslave them and dictate how they must live their lives when they become adults.  Vladimir Putin  once said in a public speech: 'Give up the desire to dominate others'...  People don't like feeling oppressed, enslaved, and pressured to do something against their free will.  (Refer to the 'Golden Rule' - 'Do not treat others the way you would not like them to treat you.')

Aim for a 'win-win' outcome

Negative or critical comments can be very damaging, discouraging, even painful, and will usually be rejected or treated like a personal attack.  Therefore, if you want your criticism to be 'constructive' and even regarded as helpful and useful, first state your positive intentions (e.g. You might say: "I would like to help you to improve your work.  Would you like to hear my suggestions?"), respectfully ask for their permission to present your suggestion, and if they say "yes", then offer your suggestion or proposals for improvement in a non-controlling, tentative, suggestive manner.  Listen to their response and consider their opinions.    Avoid acting superior or smarter, avoid being cocky, avoid raising your voice and avoid insults, sarcasm or mockery.  Be open enough to let the other person choose the solution or choose one of the options (or solution proposals) you suggested, because there is a good chance they will take action on a solution if they are given the power to choose that solution.  Once a person makes a decision on their own, they are more likely to 'follow through' on taking action on a decision that they made, than if you acted like a micro-managing dictator and ordered them to execute your preferred solution.  Give people several options or choices, allow them to make their own choices, and ask them to explain why they made the final decision they made.  This helps to develop and improve a person's  decision-making abilities.  After considering all the available options, the best decision results in maximum advantages and the fewest (or zero) disadvantages for everyone.  This is why it is very important for everyone's ideas to be heard, and to listen to everyone concerned, so the needs and desires of all people who are affected by the final decision can be considered, and nobody ends up feeling like a loser or disadvantaged in some way.  The main goal is for everyone to feel like a winner, and to maximize the advantages for everyone involved.  This is known as a 'win-win' outcome.  Bosses and managers who strive to achieve these kinds of decisions are greatly admired and respected by everyone, because they care about keeping everyone happy and satisfied.

Find solutions instead of complaining
Avoid being negative and pessimistic, and 'don't sweat the small stuff' (or don't exaggerate problems, imagining they are bigger than they really are), because solving problems becomes very difficult or nearly impossible with such a state of mind.  Avoid acting like a "victim", always complaining about things that you can change.  Notice that people only complain about things that can be changed, and most of the time, it is within their power to make that change!

Those who spend a lot of time complaining and whining are wasting a lot of time and energy.  Negative people often complain a lot hoping to draw attention to themselves, in the form of pity.  They find comfort in complaining and blaming others, and enjoy being very negative, discouraging, despondent or feeling hopeless ... however, no solutions are being found, nothing positive is being accomplished, and nothing changes or improves...  The chronic complainer may feel smart, clever and important for pointing out a problem (real or imagined), and seems to enjoy remaining in this state of negativity, because that is the only way they can get attention from others.  Instead of being focused on a solution to their problem, they choose to remain focused on the problem, because complaining boosts their ego, or sense of importance.

Complaining is a form of procrastination... Think of it as being like a state of purgatory where the mind is trapped in a prison of negative and helpless thinking.  Chronic complainers and procrastinators fail to take action and make progress on their goals.  They are usually crippled by FEAR (Future Events Appearing Real) - namely, fear of the unknown, fear of change, fear of failure, or fear of pain... imagining that the hard work needed to take action on their goals, or solve a problem, is too painful or too difficult.  Complaining is only useful for indicating that a problem exists, but it does not solve problems, and does not help you to achieve tangible progress.

The solution to complaining and procrastination is to follow the problem-solving process:  

(1) Stop overthinking, or stop dwelling on and focusing on just the problem;

(2) Define the root causes of the problem - describe the problem in detail and why it is happening;

(3) Describe the final 'end result' that you want in detail, to clearly understand your aims;

(4) Formulate and create a feasible solution that will fix the problem or achieve your 'end result', and break down your solution into several actionable steps or activities that must be completed;

(5) Start taking daily action on those steps or activities to execute your solution; and 

(6) If you keep failing to solve the problem or are unable to reach the desired 'end result', go back to step 4 to think of a better solution.  Change your approach and keep repeating this process until the problem is solved or the desired 'end result' is achieved.  This is the only way to make progress and 'move forward'.

Just get started (even on something small), strive to achieve some progress every day, stay focused on your one main goal or 'end result', stop thinking about changing your mind and being distracted by other less important things, and stop making new decisions all the time while you are working, or you will never finish what you start.  Work on finishing all the tasks or activities to make progress on one big goal, each and every day, until that one goal is completed.  Stay focused on completing one goal at a time, and avoid being a 'scatter brain' by starting and never completing many different unrelated goals.  Work on only one goal at a time.  Avoid making excuses to ignore your main goal, and deviate from your original plans.  This reminds me of a motivational poster seen at my gym, that says: "Be stronger than your excuses".  Another motivational poster says: "Do things today that will make your future self grateful".  

When someone chooses to be afraid of change, and avoids taking action, no change and no progress is possible because they refuse to take responsibility for solving their own problems and taking action.  That person remains stuck in a state of fear, inactivity and ongoing negativity, leading to feelings of hopelessness, despondency, and possibly even depression.  These kinds of negative attitudes can be contagious, so avoid spending too much time around negative people like gossipers, slanderers, complainers and procrastinators, because such bad attitudes will 'rub off' on you and affect you, even without your awareness.

Jim Rohn said: 'You are the average of the five people that you spend the most time with', and this includes fictional characters you watch on popular TV shows and in movies (including the 'bad guys', villains and trouble-makers).  Is it any wonder why a lot of people today start conflicts, due to  serious personality flaws and Narcissistic tendencies?  I posit that most of their bad attitudes and personality traits were learned and imitated from fictional TV shows, dramas and movies.  (a.k.a. "vicarious influence")

Some people are in fact addicted to their own negative emotions... Constant complaining and acting like a judge or critic can make them feel superior or important to others who are willing to listen, and it boosts their egos.  When people spend much of their time complaining, they are assuming and announcing to others that they are powerless, unable, unwilling or not intelligent enough to solve the problems they are complaining about.  They are also acting like helpless and powerless victims, more interested in getting attention, rather than finding solutions.

Instead of wasting much time on complaining and whining, identify and address the root causes of the problem by discussing the facts, then generate a feasible solution and take action to solve the problem.  This is a far more productive and positive use of valuable time than to waste a lot of time and energy on complaining and demoralizing others.  Keep analysing your thoughts and actions, and keep asking yourself: "Is what I am doing bringing me closer to completing my goals?" ... "Am I making progress on my big goals?"

Every problem has a solution, so it is far better to spend more time on solving the problem and fixing it quickly, rather than wasting valuable time and energy on useless complaining.  Be a problem solver, not a problem lover.  If the problem cannot be solved after much time and genuine effort has been spent trying to fix the problem, perhaps a viable solution worth seriously considering is to just "walk away" from the source of your misery...  (i.e. permanently leave or disassociate from that troublesome environment, toxic person or bad boss).  In general, you do not have to tolerate any person or environment that causes you ongoing suffering or misery.  You can either improve your bad situation, or leave.  Every problem usually has one or many viable solutions or options to consider!  Choose to stay positive and consider all your other options!

Bad attitudes to avoid

Even a boss needs to be careful with how he or she delivers criticism to avoid offending or insulting people.  Instead, if you want to see improvements or changes in others, offer suggestions or better options to consider, and highlight the benefits of such changes.  What matters most in the end?   Everyone should feel valued, respected (heard, considered), progressive (believing that things are improving), happy and at peace... and most important, agreed goals are being achieved on time.  Feelings of arrogance and superiority are harmful and damaging in a team environment, and should not be regarded as  important priorities... rather, such feelings should be rejected and shunned, because they can prevent people from listening to and considering the ideas of others, and can lead people into acting like competitive, tyrannical, self-centred dictators or authoritarians who usually cause a great deal of pain, misery and conflict...  

An arrogant egotistical person who desires to  "always look perfect and never wrong" imagines he or she is superior and always has the best ideas.  They will usually disregard or ignore the wants and needs of others, fail to listen to the good or better ideas of others (even the advice of more experienced people), fail to admit and learn from their mistakes, and will end up disrespecting or insulting other highly competent and skilled team members (often by forcing them to do their job in a wrong or inferior way, or forcing them to do things against their will).  'Whatever a farmer sows, he will reap' or  'You reap what you sow' is an important principle, closely related to the "Golden Rule" (Moral Principle 2).  If you disrespect someone, that person will usually disrespect you in return.  (The 'Law of reciprocity' - Refer to the 'Golden Rule').  If you respect someone and listen to their ideas, that person will usually respect you in return and listen to your ideas.  Most people will only be influenced by you, if you can be influenced by them.

The book "Dealing with People you Can't Stand" describes 13 different types of bad attitudes to avoid and how to deal with them.  Most people fit into one or a combination of the following 4 categories... They want to:

(1) Get it done fast

(2) Get it done right

(3) Get along with others (or please others)

(4) Get appreciation

and these desires and their combinations lead to about 13 different behavioural and attitude problems... namely:

(1) The "TANK" - aggressive, dominating and controlling others; 

(2) The "SNIPER" - the back-stabber who attacks anonymously to destroy your reputation; 

(3) The "KNOW-IT-ALL" (a very knowledgeable person who does actually know a lot, but is too arrogant and cannot listen to the ideas or suggestions of others - this person is usually not a good team member and usually does not respect the knowledge and skills of others around him); 

(4) The "THINK-THEY-KNOW-IT-ALL" (a BIG pretender who likes to draw attention to himself, acting like he knows more than everyone else around him; usually a boaster or bragger, he acts like a know-it-all even though he really knows very little, trying to feel and look important in the eyes of others)... 

(5) The "WHINER" - a constantly negative complainer who acts like a victim and seeks attention from others through constant complaining and whining, even attacking and belittling other people and their achievements, acting like they are helpless and powerless,  and always being oppressed (rather than taking responsibility, taking action, and solving their own problems!); 

(6)  The "YES PERSON" who tries to please everyone by making many promises he/she cannot keep - these people are unreliable and are usually very poor at delivering on their promises; they also tend to always agree with the boss and are afraid of thinking for themselves, independently; 

(7) The "MAYBE PERSON" - is very indecisive, procrastinates too much, usually has a lot of self-doubt, and does not have a system for making decisions; 

(8 ) The "NO PERSON", who typically disagrees or is always oppositional, cantankerous and resistant to change - usually hates new ideas and looks for and imagines the worst and most negative aspects in every new proposal or new venture; 

(9) The "DOWNER" or depressed person who has very low self-esteem, lacks motivation, lacks self-confidence and always 'beats himself up' with self-condemning, self-defeating negative talk; The downer is their own worst critic, and is very pessimistic and negative about their abilities and competency.

(10) The "JUDGE" - often overcritical, always trying to find fault, always criticizing, rarely or never praises others, imagines that his/her standards are much higher than everyone else's standards.  The judge believes his/her way is always best, and that happiness and success is all about being perfect, making everything perfect, or living like a perfectionist;  The judge is often a 'control freak' and perfectionist (with OCPD - Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder), who makes other people feel inferior, 'not good enough' and insignificant, using endless criticism, put-downs and non-stop belittling talk.

(11) The "GRENADE" - an out-of-control angry person who likes to explode and attack everyone around him/her, blaming everyone else (except himself/herself) for problems rather than accepting responsibility for their role in contributing to the problem;  

(12) The "MEDDLER" - or busy-body, someone who has too much spare time and tries to stick their nose in matters that do not concern them... they are always trying to change other people and how they do what they do, because they imagine "I know best", however, they are really only trying to feel relevant, and important to other people - and just want to feel appreciated; 

(13) The "MARTYR" - Those who try to control you or manipulate you by making you feel guilty about something you should not feel guilty about, or making you feel obliged to do something for them... e.g. They use crafty words like: "Don't worry about coming to visit me at all, because your work is just too important, and I am not really important to you..." (they are usually seeking attention and just want to feel appreciated)... or e.g. "Remember all the times I did all those favours for you in the past?  ... You owe me a favour in return!"... (They expect you to repay favours they had done for you, assuming you are in debt to them!)... i.e. They do you favours for free but expect you to repay them in return in the future.

The above 13 bad attitudes should be avoided as much as possible, to prevent unnecessary irritation and suffering for others.  Most people display a few of these bad attitudes with varying degrees of severity.

Evil behaviour that should be avoided

Here is a list of the main types of evil behaviours that disadvantage people and cause serious problems in people's lives.  These are the kinds of destructive and asinine activities of unkind, hurtful and evil people.

1. Violence and Murder

Taking innocent life or causing harm to others is evil and criminal in most countries. Violence includes physical assault, threats of harm, and emotional abuse—such as deliberately attacking, insulting, and belittling others with constant criticism and slander.  Sadly, violence and murder are prevalent in modern entertainment, leading many to become desensitized to these evils. Furthermore, some individuals are influenced by this content and may imitate the violent behaviours of fictional characters.

Exodus 20:13 – "You shall not murder."

Matthew 5:21-22 – "You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, 'You shall not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.' But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister will be subject to judgment."

1 John 3:15 – "Anyone who hates a brother or sister is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life residing in him."

2. Deception, Lying, Fraud

Distorting the truth or misleading others is usually done to manipulate, control, and disadvantage others.

Proverbs 12:22 – "The Lord detests lying lips, but he delights in people who are trustworthy."

Ephesians 4:25 – "Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbour, for we are all members of one body."

Revelation 21:8 – "But the cowardly, the unbelieving, the vile, the murderers, the sexually immoral, those who practice magic arts, the idolaters, and all liars—they will be consigned to the fiery lake of burning sulphur. This is the second death."

3. Hatred and Unforgiveness

Harbouring long-term resentment or refusing to forgive, even after the wrongdoer has genuinely apologized and attempted to make amends, is disrespectful and unloving.  It reflects contempt and a bitter spirit.

Matthew 5:43-44 – "You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbour and hate your enemy.' But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you."

Mark 11:25 – "And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins."

1 John 4:20 – "Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar.  For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen."

4. Greed and Covetousness

Coveting what others have can lead to exploitation and serious crimes, such as theft, vandalism, or sabotage. For example, if a business owner refuses to sell his shop to a wealthy property developer, the developer may secretly hire arsonists to destroy the shop, forcing the owner to sell the property cheaply. This behaviour is deeply unethical.

1 Timothy 6:10 – "For the love of money is the root of all evil."

Luke 12:15 – "Then he said to them, 'Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; life does not consist in an abundance of possessions.'"

Exodus 20:17 – "You shall not covet your neighbour’s house. You shall not covet your neighbour’s wife, or his male or female servant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbour."

5. Adultery and Sexual Immorality  (e.g. Cheating on your spouse, child abuse, etc.)

Engaging in illicit sexual activities or breaking the sanctity of marriage—such as having affairs or cheating—often results in loneliness, unwanted pregnancies, abortions, STDs (e.g., herpes, HIV/AIDS), divorces, broken families, unhappy children, grief, anger, and even violent retaliation, sometimes leading to murder.  In many cultures, including Muslim, Jewish, and Christian societies, infidelity is considered a serious crime or sin, deserving of punishment, imprisonment, or excommunication (shunning by the community).

Hebrews 13:4 – "Let marriage be held in honour among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled; for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous."

Matthew 5:28 – "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a [married] woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart."

6. Pride and Arrogance  (e.g. Narcissism)

Exalting oneself and acting superior creates unnecessary problems, including bullying, harassment, insults, and an inability to admit mistakes. Many people today exhibit narcissistic traits, prioritizing self-glorification, control, and the appearance of superiority. Narcissists typically reject criticism and resist constructive advice, believing themselves to be perfect or infallible—an illusion they have crafted. This delusional self-image forms the foundation of their superiority complex. Lacking humility, they struggle to acknowledge and learn from mistakes, making it difficult for them to improve their behaviour or avoid repeating past errors.

Proverbs 16:5 – "The Lord detests all the proud of heart. Be sure of this: They will not go unpunished."

James 4:6 – "But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: 'God opposes the proud but shows favour to the humble.'"

1 Peter 5:5 – "In the same way, you who are younger, submit yourselves to your elders. All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because 'God opposes the proud but shows favour to the humble.'"

7. Slander and Gossip

Speaking ill of others, spreading baseless rumors, or fabricating lies, false accusations, or defamatory statements can destroy a person’s reputation. Slander is especially common in workplaces where a narcissist feels threatened by the success and rising popularity of a talented newcomer. To eliminate competition, such a narcissist may secretly spread malicious gossip to damage the newcomer’s image, particularly in the eyes of their boss, while avoiding exposure as the source of the falsehoods.

Proverbs 16:28 – "A perverse person stirs up conflict, and a gossip separates close friends."

Proverbs 18:8 – "The words of a gossip are like choice morsels; they go down to the inmost parts."

James 4:11 – "Brothers and sisters, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against a brother or sister or judges them speaks against the law and judges it."

8. Injustice and Oppression

Injustice, exploitation, and unfair treatment are common. Malignant narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths often inflict unnecessary suffering by exerting cruel control, bullying, or coercing others against their will. Examples include slavery, forced labour, and pressuring employees to work unpaid overtime—such as requiring work on weekends or outside normal office hours under the threat of job loss. 

Isaiah 1:17 – "Learn to do right; seek justice. Defend the oppressed."

Micah 6:8 – "He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."

Proverbs 21:15 – "When justice is done, it brings joy to the righteous but terror to evildoers."

9. Stealing, Embezzling funds, Larceny

Taking what does not belong to you or dishonestly gaining from others is definitely evil and criminal.

Exodus 20:15 – "You shall not steal."

Ephesians 4:28 – "Anyone who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with their own hands, that they may have something to share with those in need."

Leviticus 19:11 – "Do not steal. Do not lie. Do not deceive one another."

10. Selfishness and Lack of Compassion

Prioritizing only one's own needs while disregarding others—and failing to prevent suffering when capable—is both unkind and bordering on cruelty.  For example, a wealthy man carrying thousands of dollars who ignores starving homeless individuals pleading for a few dollars for food demonstrates a lack of compassion, inhumane behaviour, and a disregard for the Golden Rule.

Philippians 2:4 – "Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others."

Luke 6:38 – "Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you."

1 John 3:17 – "If anyone has material possessions and sees a brother or sister in need but has no pity on them, how can the love of God be in that person?"

11. Witchcraft, Sorcery, and Occult Practices

Engaging in supernatural practices such as summoning evil spirits (demons or fallen angels), casting spells, cursing others to cause harm, or torturing and sacrificing innocent people—including children—is evil in God's eyes. Sadly, some individuals take pleasure in the suffering and death of others. These wicked people are hypocrites, as they would not want to endure the pain they inflict on their victims. They disregard the Golden Rule: "Do not treat others in ways you would not want to be treated."

Galatians 5:19-21 – "The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft..."

Deuteronomy 18:10-12 – "Let no one be found among you who... practices divination or sorcery, interprets omens, engages in witchcraft, or casts spells."

Revelation 21:8 – "But the cowardly, the unbelieving, the vile, the murderers, the sexually immoral, those who practice magic arts, the idolaters, and all liars—they will be consigned to the fiery lake of burning sulphur."

Each of these scriptural passages condemns behaviours that are considered evil from a biblical perspective, offering clear warnings to avoid such actions.

What good bosses do

A boss or a supervisor should provide each employee under their care a list of specific tasks or duties to complete within a given time period (e.g. One month, one quarter or one year) that the employee agrees to complete... ensuring all work expectations are clear and that the employee fully understands and agrees with all the work duties and time deadlines.  A 'good boss' allows that employee to perform those tasks and duties with as much freedom as possible (within the employee's area of expertise), and avoids micro-managing, dictating minute details, or enforcing their personal preferences about how the agreed work should be done.

A 'good boss' respects the intelligence, skills, freedoms and limits of the employee, and does not overwork nor frustrate the employee with many extra demands that can only be performed outside of normal working hours.  A respectful boss does not create a hostile and stressful working environment by constantly micro-managing and being verbally abusive or insulting.

A 'good boss' respects all those 'moral principles' or 'Boundaries' mentioned earlier.  A 'good boss' respects the freedoms and dignity of all workers, and remains approachable, calm, fair, likable, positive, encouraging, respectful, and considerate towards all.  A 'good boss' avoids losing self-control and does not insult, attack, belittle nor verbally abuse others.

Examples of moral & ethical failures

A bad boss or cruel employer would force an employee to do so much work, all his or her time is occupied with work-related matters, in order to do an acceptable job... and the employee is left with little or no time to rest and relax at nights or on the weekends  (due to excessive workloads that must be performed at home, or after hours).  If a boss does not respect an employee's need to rest at night and on weekends, he or she may resort to harsh criticism in an effort to 'squeeze' more work out of the exhausted employee, and that will inevitably lead to the employee quitting or seeking jobs elsewhere that are less demanding.  Unfortunately, overworking not only leads to extreme stress for an employee, but less time to spend with a spouse and children, feelings of negativity or hopelessness, and worsening marriage relationships (which could lead to feelings of loneliness for a spouse, sleepless nights due to worry and anxiety, unfaithfulness, and even divorce).  Consider the following cases ( NOTES ) that are actual true stories - however the names of real people and organizations concerned have been removed.

# NOTE:  Moral Principle number 2 ("Advantage yourself and other people; and do not disadvantage yourself or other people") ... 

For example, I know a highly-skilled academic who was forced to work over 100 hours per week, on average, for an entire semester, getting only about 4 hours of sleep per day, on average, just to keep up with an unexpectedly extreme teaching workload.  He felt very unhappy due to lack of sleep, his marriage suffered, his wife felt very lonely (because he had little time to spend with her due to extreme work demands), they ended up getting divorced...  and this led to him being forced to sell his only (fully paid) house and land for the divorce settlement...  This led to several years of sadness and depression because it took over 20 years for that academic to pay off that house...  That academic agreed to teach a particularly complex course... He was expecting fully prepared course materials to be provided by the previous instructors at the beginning of the semester...  In fact, he had almost no teaching materials for this course, despite repeated attempts to garner teaching materials from the previous instructors (who refused to give him all their teaching materials! ) ... He was given only 9 PowerPoint slides from the previous course instructors (material that could be covered in just 1 week, or 3 hours of lectures), with no tutorials, no worked examples, and no homework problems with solutions for the other 15 weeks of teaching... He was not given the teaching materials needed for teaching about 94% of that course!  Therefore, this academic was forced to create completely new lecture notes for 15 weeks of the entire 16-week semester course, or about 48 total hours of lectures, plus new tutorials, homework exercises with solutions for each week, assignments, and exams with solutions, plus a major project description and grading sheets, starting from almost nothing - while teaching other courses.  Basically, this academic was not given any 'lead time' (which is usually 6 months or more) to develop the necessary teaching materials 'from scratch' (taking about 60 hours of work each week) for teaching the syllabus topics for each week of this course, while performing all the other expected research and University service activities (while teaching several other courses).  Despite the huge amount of material  preparation work required for this complex course, which was totally unexpected, this academic still completed all his agreed work duties for the entire year, earning a "Meets expectations" (satisfactory)  performance evaluation from his boss - but at the cost of his peace-of-mind, a lonely spouse who felt neglected, divorce, the loss of his only house and huge financial losses (as part of the divorce settlement).  None of this excessive workload, extreme stress, and devastating financial loss had to happen if only the previous teachers gave him all the course materials that they used, so he did not have to be overwhelmed with generating all the necessary teaching material he needed to do his job ...  Sadly, at the time, nobody seemed to care about the suffering of this academic.  He did his best, he worked very hard to please his students and his boss, he felt very 'burnt out' in the process, and ended up losing his wife and his only house and land as part of the divorce settlement.  This is the kind of huge tragedy that can develop when the needs of people are ignored for no good reason.  It did not cost those previous instructors much time or effort to share their teaching materials (by spending only a few minutes to copy teaching materials in files and folders onto a USB memory stick), but they were very unkind and cruel to that new instructor, by denying his repeated requests for those teaching materials that were needed for the entire semester.
It is morally wrong to overwork people... forcing them into doing over 90+ hours of work every week, just to complete their work duties, because this throws a person's life out of balance, leading to the neglect of other important areas in life, such as maintaining personal relationships with a spouse and children, getting enough sleep, and regular exercise.
At another University, an engineering academic was overloaded with too much work during one semester, he literally started developing several bald spots all over his head (i.e. His hair was literally falling out and creating bald patches - a condition known as 'Alopecia Areata' )... caused by great stress (due to a very weakened immune system).  See  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alopecia_areata  for more details.  Unfortunately, his boss gave him the marking workload equivalent to about 4 to 8 times the marking work of other academics in the same department, which was impossible to complete within one week.  This boss was very domineering, arrogant and failed to listen to this academic who told him several times that the marking workload was excessive and impossible to finish on time (for the grade entry).  In this case, about 500 student answers for the final exam of one course had to be graded manually... In this exam, students had to complete three out of four questions, and they could choose any three questions to complete.  The solutions for all four exam questions were exactly 12 pages of calculated solutions.  There were four markers (four academics) assigned to mark the approximately 500 exam papers and they were each assigned to mark one question each.  Question 1 had 1 page of solutions.  Question 2 had 2 pages of solutions.  Question 3 had 8 pages of solutions to mark (75% of the total marking work for that final exam).  Question 4 had 1 page of solutions.  The first marker had to mark all the answers for Question 1 (for all exam papers), and hand all the papers to the next marker for Question 2.  This marker would then hand all the papers to the marker of Question 3, and later, these papers were supposed to be handed to the marker for Question 4  (in a "serial" manner)...  The boss assigned a marker for each question.  The academic (whose hair fell out) was the marker assigned to Question 3 (and was expected to do about 4 to 8 times more work than the other markers)... the question with 8 pages of solutions that almost ALL the (approx.) 500 students selected... so when the academic told his boss (the one in charge of the course) that marking Question 3 within one week, along with exam papers and assignments from several other courses was just impossible, he refused to listen, and the boss ended up yelling and screaming abusive words at this hard-working academic.  His boss simply did not care that "Question 3" required about 4 to 8 times more marking effort than the other questions in that exam, and that the workload distribution was very unfair (And the boss' excuse for not reducing the academic's marking workload was: 'I want the marking for each question to be consistent, done by the same marker... ' ).  This boss refused to listen to the concerns of excessive work, and was also unwilling to change the marking workload...  He refused to accept the fact that about 500 x 8 pages of solutions  (about  4000 pages of calculated answers to "Question 3") was impossible to grade within the one-week marking period, along with all the other exams and assignments of several other subjects that had to be marked by that academic.  When the exam papers were taking much longer to be marked than he expected, the boss rudely and violently barged into that academic's office, yelling and screaming about how slow he was with the marking of "Question 3", because the final marker was still waiting to mark Question 4.  That overworked academic was only able to complete marking about 400 of those 500 exam papers within that one week marking period, despite his best efforts and suffering almost no sleep for about 7 days.  But sadly, this academic was eventually fired by the Dean, after his boss described him as "indolent" (lazy - which was totally false and misleading) in his next performance evaluation report (which was believed by the Dean of Engineering), despite the fact that several  students stated this academic was 'the best lecturer' and 'the best teacher they ever had' in student satisfaction surveys for several courses.

Clearly, the boss of that academic was a poor listener, inflexible, unreasonable, unfair, and simply cruel and disrespectful to that academic.  His arrogance and pride was so great, he could not imagine he made the mistake of setting an unfair marking workload, despite being shown the facts.  Unfortunately, some people are so egotistical, competitive, and conceited, they are delusional and imagine they are perfect and flawless - incapable of making a bad decision.  When feelings of pride and superiority are more important than facts, fairness and good morals, arrogant and Narcissistic people will refuse to admit they were wrong and will never apologize for the big mistakes they made.  They feel so superior to others... They are living in a 'fantasy land', a world of 'make-believe', imagining they are infallible, so they get very offended when you point out a mistake they made, or when you respectfully highlight a serious problem with one of their decisions - because this is incompatible with their "self-image" of being perfect and superior.  These are very bad attitudes that all bosses should avoid, because all people can make mistakes if they ignore or neglect the above moral principles.  People of all kinds, at all ranks, can do very stupid, unfair and cruel  things because of excessive pride, fear, greed, or malice!  (But in the future, their bad deeds will usually catch up to them... 'Whatever a man is sowing, this he shall also reap'... Galatians 6:7,8 ) ... The late Zig Ziglar, a very famous author and top sales expert, once wrote: "The biggest failures in life are moral failures"...

Too much work and lack of sleep can lead to health problems and serious mental health issues (including chronic or long term depression, especially for people who don't know how to deal with such problems).  All of this suffering and conflict could have been avoided if only people cared enough to listen to genuine concerns, consider all the facts and analyse the consequences of their decisions....  These bad outcomes could have been avoided, if only people cared more, listened more, and took action to fix obvious problems, rather than protecting their vainglorious (but false) self-image of being 'a perfectionist', superior, smarter and 'always right'...  (which can be very wrong assumptions... these are Narcissistic traits of dictators, tyrants, authoritarians, control-freaks, bullies and sociopaths, which cause a great deal of stress, tension, misery and conflict in the workplace.  See the section: "10 hurtful character traits of negative and evil people that destroy trust" below).

It is important for every person, boss (manager, supervisor) and employee, to keep watching their thoughts, intentions, beliefs, feelings, words and actions... and to regularly check that these things are based on good moral principles and ethics... all beliefs and words should be true, not false (accurate or based on facts, not imagined) ... all intentions, words and deeds should be positive, not negative... helpful, not hurtful... constructive, not destructive...  good, not evil...  These things are all personal choices !  

This following PDF file (paper) describes effective methods for influencing others to change using "safe dialogue" techniques, because direct criticism usually fails to influence others and achieve desired changes.  http://www.ijiet.org/vol7/917-PS10017.pdf 

Ethical principles

It is not enough to be competent at solving technical problems.  Often, the biggest problems in any project or business operation are caused by poor communication skills, unmet or unknown expectations, bad attitudes and stressful relationships.  Failure to identify and resolve disagreements, conflicts,  disputes, and human relationship problems early enough can lead to a growing loss of trust, respect, motivation, morale, productivity and cooperation.  Anger and resentment might grow out of control because someone believes they were disrespected, disadvantaged, avoided or ignored.  As a result, important projects are never finished on time, or worse... key people choose to quit and accept other job offers, resulting in a big loss of expertise for the team.  Unfortunately, many degree qualified engineers and technical people have not been taught enough 'people skills' to  identify, solve, mitigate or deal with human relationship problems and bad attitudes... Without conflict resolution skills, such issues are never resolved to everyone's satisfaction, resentment tends to grow out of control, and this often leads to workers failing to cooperate and achieve acceptable levels of progress or productivity.

Essential People Skills

After noticing many relationship problems between students working in teams, and even between a few staff members (including in my own dealings with a few colleagues and staff members, and certain family members), I spent much of my spare time studying human psychology, how different types of people think, why people do the things they do, how to solve most kinds of disagreements, how to help people recognize and improve their bad attitudes or irritating behaviours, and how to help people to adopt and apply better attitudes and effective 'people skills'.

Over the years, I learned many effective methods for improving productivity, motivation and morale, and best practices for managing, leading and communicating with individuals and teams.  Important skills that leaders need to know and apply for maintaining a peaceful, respectful, positive and productive workplace include designing the work culture (establishing values and the type of work environment), setting and communicating clear boundaries and expectations, clear goal setting (identifying what success and failure looks like), time management, periodic progress reviews, how to communicate feedback (praise or criticism) effectively, using positive body language and a respectful tone of voice, likability skills, how to maximize the value of team meetings, effective conflict resolution techniques that avoid offending people, dealing with all kinds of difficult or irritating habits of others, influence and active listening skills, solving common relationship problems, helping people to recognize and overcome bad attitudes, and identifying and dealing with serious productivity-killing and debilitating mental health issues.

I believe that humility, honesty and thinking like a curious child (with no feelings of arrogance, superiority, fear of embarrassment and fear of failure) are very important character traits for being able to try new things for the first time, admit mistakes and fix them, identify weaknesses, and change course or modify an original plan.  Very often, excessive ego and pride makes it difficult for someone to admit being wrong, listen to other helpful people who may have better ideas, or to check or rethink a potentially flawed assumption or belief (which could cause serious and costly problems).  Bad attitudes, lack of humility, excessive ego and fear of looking wrong can blind a person from seeing and appreciating facts and reality, and making wise decisions.  These factors can prevent someone from listening to others,  admitting a serious mistake, and avoiding such mistakes in the future... and this can lead to all kinds of serious problems in work relationships and project work.

I have also studied modern psychology and therapy techniques like CBT, REBT, NLP, DBT, ACT, 'self-talk' and 'safe dialogue' skills, 'Primal Therapy' and hypnotherapy (just like a professional Psychologist, 'Life Coach', counsellor or therapist).  I am able to speak in a way to effectively influence and guide people to consider and try  better or more positive ways of thinking, without making people feel defensive, offended, pressured or coerced - while maintaining full  cooperation and willingness to find and implement a practical solution to a problem, achieve progress or improve a stressful situation.  These are very important 'people skills' that are rarely or never taught in public schools or Universities, especially in technical courses relating to Engineering or Computer science.  I am  skilled at using 'safe dialogue' techniques to resolve most kinds of conflicts in a peaceful and tactful manner that results in cooperation, a consensus decision, or a 'win-win' outcome for all parties.  I am also able to help people to identify and resolve most kinds of irritating habits and bad attitudes, especially those described in books like: "Dealing with people you can't stand" and "Dealing with difficult people".

For example, here is a brief summary that I wrote for the book: "Crucial Conversations" - a very practical conflict resolution book I have studied.
https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/essential-reading-crucial-conversations-book-summary-tips-sam-cubero

Here is a paper I wrote, summarizing the best points from about 60 different self-help books, describing 'Effective communication skills for engineers'.  This paper won the 'Best  paper' award at an international conference held in Dubai, UAE, in 2016, and was published in the International Journal of Information and Education Technology, 2017...  URL    http://www.ijiet.org/vol7/917-PS10017.pdf

I regularly volunteer some of my time to work as a counsellor (adviser) to help lonely and depressed people to improve their outlook, mindset and attitudes, and to find the path to experiencing more inner-peace, recovery, healing, and better financial security.  I have also advised and helped very poor, homeless and unemployed friends suffering poverty, and even financially helped some of them by providing funds so they could pay their rent, buy a computer, start their own business and become self-sufficient (in Australia, and even in places like the Philippines, Nigeria, UAE, Ukraine and Russia).  Almost every day, I take the time to learn new practical skills so I can be as helpful as possible to others who are struggling in life.  So far, I have studied over 150 self-improvement books about people skills, communication skills, relationship building, emotional intelligence, and success skills (i.e. habits and attitudes of very successful and highly productive innovators, inventors and successful business people).

My ideal self-image

If you would ask me "Who are you?", I would reply with this brief summary of my "self-image"...  the kind of person I am striving to be:

"I am a truth seeker who seeks to continually improve my life and the lives of others - someone who chooses to focus on 'moving forward' and making progress... focusing on what is real, true and positive... a genuine, reliable, moral, trustworthy, helpful, respectful, empathetic, kind, caring, knowledgeable, fair, peaceful, joyful, likable, stoic, strong, patient, persistent, determined, focused, goal-driven, organized, enthusiastic, creative, action-oriented, self-motivated, pragmatic, realistic, adaptable (open-minded, flexible, reasonable), curious learner, researcher, problem solver, inventor, creator, author, teacher, coach, guide and counsellor who enjoys freedom and independence, imagining new exciting ideas and inventions, turning concepts into reality, simplifying the complex, solving challenging problems, creating systems and plans to achieve big goals, improving from my experiences and failures, making good decisions that maximize advantages and minimize disadvantages, achieving 'win-win' outcomes for all, teaching and sharing my knowledge, and learning new and useful things every day, especially skills that could improve my life and the lives of others, including future generations of mankind - because I aspire to be a force for great good and positivity in this world...  I also do not tolerate evil nor undeserved disrespect from anyone, and I strive to live by all those moral principles (or boundaries) mentioned above..."

This is my ideal "self-image" and the foundation upon which I make all my choices and big decisions in life.  Being "genuine" & "moral" means being 100% honest, keeping all promises, never being deceptive and always careful to avoid disadvantaging or hurting anyone.  In all my interactions, I strive to always live by "The Golden Rule":  'Treat others the way you want them to treat you', and conversely, 'Do not treat others the way you do not want them to treat you.'  (i.e. Do not lie and do not damage other people's reputations).  I am also respectful to all people by default, because I expect others to be respectful towards me.

However, I am selective about who I want as my friends and influencers.  I do not associate with people who deliberately try to disadvantage, hurt, insult, bully, torture or humiliate me or other people, and I avoid those who choose to do evil or criminal deeds.  I do my best to avoid being influenced by the bad attitudes and actions of negative people, troublemakers, slanderers (lying gossipers), liars, con-artists, criminals, Narcissists, bullies, control-freaks (who try to coerce me or control me against my will), sociopaths and psychopaths who try to make my life worse (by trying to damage my reputation with false accusations or slander... those who speak insulting, embarrassing, hurtful or cruel words to me or about me behind my back).  These kinds of people are usually jealous, insecure, or fearful of looking ordinary (i.e. They may imagine I could be some kind of threat or competition who makes them look mediocre or not as talented by comparison, because they wish to appear superior or more intelligent)...

Unfortunately, some people do get angry or resentful for all kinds of different reasons, and they keep such reasons to themselves.  By definition, I regard a 'negative' person as someone who tries to disadvantage me, insult me or make me feel bad about myself... someone who is hurtful, malicious and trying to damage or malign my good reputation.  Instead, I choose to become close friends with only positive, honest, empathetic and helpful people who strive to live by those good moral principles I mentioned above... people who value me, see the good in me, and make my life better...  those who are helpful, encouraging and even willing to advise, guide or correct me when I am making a mistake...  

I also keep my professional life separate from my personal life and avoid inappropriate or intimate (romantic) relationships with other staff or students that could lead to future problems, conflicts of interest, very awkward or embarrassing situations, or damage to the reputation of my employer or institute.  I am skilled at sensing people's body language, their real intentions and the future consequences of my actions and the actions of others.

Basic Human Psychology

Almost all human thoughts and actions are caused by some form of intention, motivation or desire.  Tony Robbins (or "Anthony Robbins") said: 'Most human behaviour is based on attraction to pleasure, or avoidance of pain'...  For example, people choose to work many long hours to earn money, so they can pay for their housing (rent or mortgage) and living costs (grocery food, electricity, phone & internet usage, etc.) because they want to enjoy the pleasures of a comfortable life inside a secure building (so their valuables cannot be easily stolen), and to avoid the problems associated with poverty or being jobless (such as living on the streets like homeless people, suffering very cold or wet weather, or hunger pain).  People choose to separate or divorce from their partner to avoid the pain caused by frequent fighting, disrespect or in extreme cases, physical violence.  There are three main categories or 'types of people', namely: 

(1) positive people (helpful, kind, altruistic, empathetic, caring, respectful, productive, uplifting, encouraging, mainly concerned about making progress on rewarding goals and finding solutions to problems... those who avoid the bad attitudes of 'negative people' and 'evil people'); 

(2) negative people (those who are fearful of trying something new and better, unproductive, lazy, closed-minded or unwilling to listen, unable to admit their mistakes, uncaring, disrespectful, nit-picking, fault-finding, over-critical, cantankerous or oppositional most of the time, frequent complainers, judgmental, discouraging... people who focus mainly on their weaknesses or the weaknesses of others, choose to dwell on negative things most of the time, often assume or imagine bad things or bad intentions of others without any supporting evidence);  and who entertain and accept ANTS (Automatic Negative Thoughts, which can lead to unnecessary stress, fear, anxiety, and depression) without knowing how to question, challenge or reject such ANTS...

(3) toxic or evil people, such as trouble-makers, bullies, control-freaks, arrogant Narcissists, tyrants, con-artists / scammers / fraudsters, thieves, liars, slanderers, sociopaths, psychopaths and criminals), bigots and racists... those who deliberately avoid, ignore, disadvantage, attack, insult or constantly criticize  people who did not do anything morally wrong.

Most people are naturally attracted to positive and helpful people (who bring them pleasure, joy and advantages), and are repulsed by negative, toxic and evil people (who bring them pain, misery and disadvantages).

The unnecessary problem of racism

I'll just state the obvious:  "Racism is evil... Racism is stupid... Racism is hurtful... It is nothing but disrespect and contempt towards different looking people, and is based on ignorance, fear and insecurity... driven by extreme ego and unjustifiable feelings of superiority and arrogance."  Racism usually involves 'over-generalizing'... believing that most people from a particular ethnic group have the same general (negative) character traits or 'lower intelligence'.  It is disgusting, cruel and unacceptable in any civilized society because it causes harm, hatred and divisions... Racism is completely unnecessary, very destructive and potentially more disadvantageous and harmful to the racists than those they torture.  Racist attitudes exist in the minds of some arrogant people in different cultures, races and ethnic groups, all around the world... even among Asian (e.g. Japanese), Black (African) and White (majority 'Caucasian' ) countries.

Put simply, racism is negativity and contempt towards an entire class of people who look different, or who come from a different genetic background or a different 'race'.  It is like a brown Grizzly bear being aggressive and hostile towards a white Polar bear... or like a big dog (like an adult German Shepherd) attacking and killing a different breed of smaller dog (like a Fox Terrier) that did nothing wrong, without any provocation... Or like a small Bulldog attacking and mauling another breed of dog, like a French poodle, for no good reason (even when the French poodle dog did not attack first, nor show any hostility).

Brighton & Hove City Council stated:  "Racism is when a person is treated worse, excluded, disadvantaged, harassed, bullied, humiliated or degraded because of their race or ethnicity."

The Oxford Dictionary defines 'racism' as:  "The inability or refusal to recognize the rights, needs, dignity, or value of people of particular races or geographical origins. More widely, the devaluation of various traits of character or intelligence as 'typical' of particular peoples."

Some haughty people choose to denigrate or bully others because they imagine they are much smarter and superior to those who look different or those who speak with a foreign accent...   (e.g. They deliberately disrespect, insult and belittle those who look different, speak different, have different skin colour, different facial features, a different ethnic background, or different values or religious beliefs) ... These are things people cannot change due to random genetics inherited from parents they did not choose, or because they were born and raised in a different part of the world.  So why do racist people insult, bully, disrespect and torture others who look different, based on things that they cannot change?  Why?  Because they want to feel superior or feel better about themselves, and bullying makes them feel more important, like a "judge" or authority.  Seeing people suffer makes them feel powerful, because they feel like they can control other people's emotions - using lies, slander, personal attacks, and sabotage tactics to make the job of a victim super difficult or impossible.  Racist people are Narcissistic arrogant bullies who want to see innocent people angry, upset, distressed and miserable, because this makes them feel superior and in control of their victim's feelings and suffering - even though this is unnecessary evil.

Unfortunately, unwarranted disrespectful behaviour, unfair bullying and undeserved insults are still experienced by people from ethnic minority groups today, even if they had done nothing morally wrong.  Those displaying such unnecessary, insulting, disrespectful attitudes and actions need to be corrected and forced to stop such hurtful and damaging behaviour.  Constant negativity, baseless nit-picking, relentless criticism (that is not supported by any evidence or facts), displays of contempt and open hostility makes people feel hated, unwelcome, unappreciated, and 'invisible' (like they don't matter)... This often leads to ongoing frustration, resentment, deliberate avoidance, lower productivity, and even serious hatred or depression - suffered in silence by those who cannot change their skin colour or facial features (and who are too afraid to speak out, because they are afraid of losing their job).  A person who frequently feels attacked or insulted may choose to avoid the bully or refuse to work with the bully, in order to protect their self-esteem and sense of dignity, or to avoid feeling insulted.  However, a better course of action would be to collect or record real evidence of unfair bullying behaviour or racism  (e.g. gather insulting Emails, or voice recordings), and show it all to the HR (Human Resources) people or a high-ranking manager.

Before you criticize or say something negative to anyone, always check: "Is this criticism based on facts?  Is what I am about to say going to help that other person?  Would I talk like this to my best friends or family members - from my own culture, race or ethnic group?"  If you answered "no" to any of these questions, think carefully about changing your message or delivering it in a respectful way so that all your answers are "yes" to these questions.

In general, most people know when they are being insulted, belittled, or treated disrespectfully...  especially when they have not done anything wrong... Unwarranted or baseless criticism, disrespect or insults will be treated like a personal attack, and will only create bigger problems in the future... So why create an enemy by being disrespectful and cruel?  Do you really want to create  unnecessary suffering for that other person and yourself?  Put yourself in the other person's "shoes"...

Racism only leads to more anger, frustration, infighting, lack of cooperation, and even hatred or possible future revenge attacks.  Racism is extremely bad for staff morale and productivity in any organization.  It's also very bad for business and international relations.  Racist bullies are making life much worse for themselves, by creating unnecessary misery and destroying business opportunities for their organization...  

When a business develops a reputation for being disrespectful or cruel towards ethnic minority groups, word will spread (especially on social media), and that business could lose a lot of local and international clients or customers.  Everyone from all races and ethnicities needs to remember this simple truth: "No one can choose their genetics, their parents or the country they were born into."   Avoid criticizing someone if they have not violated a moral principle.  Unwarranted negative criticism is very damaging and demoralizing.  This applies to people from all races and ethnic groups.  Don't assume all people from a particular ethnic group behave and think exactly the same way.  Every person is a unique individual.  Also, nobody is perfect.  Look for the best in others, just like you would like them to look for the best in you.  If you imagine or try to look for the worst in others, you will find that too, even if it is completely imagined and not based on reality.  Try to make people feel good about themselves, not worse, and you will create more friends, not more enemies!

Good & Bad attitudes

Any message spoken or communicated, or any action taken, has an underlying reason or intention that caused it.  It is important to find out what that reason or intention is.  Any bad intentions and bad attitudes can be replaced with good intentions and good attitudes, so that insulting speech or bad actions are not repeated in the future.  Practical books like "Dealing with people you can't stand", "Dealing with difficult people", "Captivate - the science of succeeding with people", and "Brainblocks" can help you to identify and deal with people who display bad attitudes and bad behaviours.

In summary, negative, toxic and evil people typically try to make you feel bad about yourself, and they choose to do and say things that ruin your day, waste your time and energy and 'drain your batteries'... i.e. They try to make you feel worse or more negative.  On the other hand, positive people are the opposite.  They try to make you feel good about yourself, they try to help you and encourage you, to build you up and make your life better... and they 'charge your batteries' to make you feel better, more positive, even inspired, more optimistic and more motivated to achieve your goals.  So choose your associates and 'role models' carefully... Jim Rohn stated: 'You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with'...  The habits and attitudes of the people you associate with regularly, even characters you watch and admire on TV or in movies, can and will influence you - even if you don't realize it.  (Refer to the books: "Change anything" and "Influence" - Robert Cialdini)

Evil people often disguise themselves like 'wolves in sheep's clothing' and they are often difficult to detect... They can pretend to be altruistic, kind and caring, and may use several different psychological manipulation tactics to win the trust and friendship of their victims - only to use such knowledge for evil purposes or to gain some kind of unfair advantage.  For example, even if you had done nothing wrong, an evil person will falsely accuse you of some kind of wrongdoing, without providing any evidence - just to see you suffer embarrassment or bad publicity - because they hope you might get fired or be removed from a project.  They also like to spread false rumours and baseless negative opinions, to make other people lose their trust in you.  Evil people usually attack those who dare to question their lies, and those who provide strong or scientific evidence to prove their statements false and harmful, because they are afraid of being exposed as liars and evildoers.  There are different grades or levels of evil... Evil can be scored or graded from 0 to 10... from a 0, someone who is harmless and does not disadvantage himself or anyone else; a 5, covertly dishonest, Narcissistic, hurtful or slanderous, even criminal but who respects a few moral principles; to a 10, a frequent liar, a violent psychopath, or an openly harmful, cruel, sadistic, and violent bully - someone who doesn't respect most of the good moral principles mentioned earlier...  A person who lacks empathy and a sense of guilt for the wrong things they do.  Below, I list some of the most common 'good' and 'evil' personality traits that are easy to identify.

10 hurtful character traits of negative and evil people that destroy trust

1. Controlling (no respect for rights & freedoms of others, tyrannical, bullying)

2. Greedy  (hyper-competitive, unwilling to share resources or give help, stingy)

3. Selfish  (self-centered, doesn't care about other's needs & wants, narcissistic)

4. Hateful  (belligerent, hostile, contemptuous, often negative & disrespectful)

5. Hypocritical (hypocrites do not like to be treated the way they treat others)

6. Sadistic (cruel with no empathy... they enjoy making innocent people suffer)

7. Destructive (wasteful, sabotages other people's good work or reputations)

8. Harmful  (hurtful, deliberately disadvantages, insults or discourages others)

9. Deceptive  (manipulative, misleading, lies to achieve some unfair advantage)

10. Arrogant (egotistical, imagining they are superior, judgmental, over-critical)

All people should strive to avoid the above 'bad attitudes', because they lead to unnecessary stress, conflict, human suffering, resentment, and loss of trust.  If you notice someone displaying any one of the above 'bad attitudes', do not imitate them nor act like them, and do not allow their bad attitudes or opinions to  influence you.  Instead, display the corresponding opposite 'good attitudes' in the list below.  For example, if someone is being 'Hateful' towards you (number 4 in the list above), respond with 'Positive' words (point number 4 in the list below).  This will help to cancel out some of their negativity and aggression, and help to disarm your attacker and deescalate the tension in the conversation.  If someone is being 'Deceptive' (9 in the list above), be 'Honest' (9 in the list below), do not accept their lies, expose the deception, and correct that person by showing supporting proof or evidence.

10 helpful character traits of positive and good people that grow trust

1. Respectful  (avoids insults, courteous, values other people's freedom of choice)

2. Caring  (Considerate, seeking to satisfy the desires & needs of other people)

3. Generous  (Kind, altruistic, freely gives time & resources to help others in need)

4. Positive  (optimistic, encouraging, supportive, a positive influence to others)

5. Empathetic (compassionate, able to feel what others are feeling, a good listener)

6. Peaceful  (patient, slow to anger, seeks mutual or consensus agreement, forgiving)

7. Productive  (responsible, creative, a producer of useful goods or services)

8. Wise  (maximizes advantages & minimizes disadvantages for all, fair to all)

9. Honest  (truthful, transparent, never deceptive, trustworthy, keeps all promises)

10. Humble  (modest, able to learn from mistakes and avoid repeating them)

All people should strive to practice all of the above 'good attitudes' (10 helpful character traits), because they are essential for creating more joy, building relationships and growing trust.  

Leadership & influence principles

Here is an important success principle...  When making decisions that affect two or more people, or two or more parties, find out what each person wants and doesn't want, by asking each person to speak freely, without interruption... Discuss all your available options by considering the opinions and ideas of as many people as possible... Discuss and analyse all the pros and cons of each option, and try to arrive at a 'win-win' outcome or solution so that all parties can end up getting most of what they need and want.  Avoid making dictatorial 'one-sided' decisions where only one party wins and the other party loses, implying that you do not care about the needs of the 'losing' party... such a belief could damage trust and future cooperation.  The amount of real influence you have with other people largely depends on your ability to be influenced by them or how well you satisfy their needs and wants.  If you respect the needs and wants of others, they will likewise respect your needs and wants.  (Principle of reciprocity)

For example, the best sales people don't try to sell by first showing off all the features of a product they wish to sell, using typical 'high-pressure sales tactics' (often used by 'Used Car' salesmen).  Those kinds of tyrannical approaches to selling actually repel customers.  Rather, the best sales people first find out the needs and wants of their customers and show they care about solving a specific problem that the customer wants to solve.  A good sales person shows openness to influence, by asking questions and listening to the specific needs of the customer first, before offering a tailored solution.  In turn, the customer feels truly respected and cared for, because the customer has done most of the talking, and is put in a position of control, free to choose one of the relevant solutions suggested by the sales person.

Many sales people in all kinds of industries are trained in this way, because it results in more sales and more happy customers.  Success in sales and in business is all about helping the customer to feel well-informed of their available options, satisfied they found the solution they want, and in full control of the decision to buy or not.  Providing a '100% money-back satisfaction guarantee' also helps to eliminate all worries or sense of risk.  In a successful deal, the customer feels like a winner, and so does the sales person (a.k.a.  a 'win-win' outcome).  However, if the product is not what the customer really needs, the sale is very unlikely to succeed, regardless of the effort put into the sales pitch, because people hate feeling coerced into doing something against their will.

Understanding basic influence skills will help engineers and team members to overcome objections, doubts, disagreements and conflicts, and win the trust and support of clients, fellow workers and higher management (for approval of proposals).  Unfortunately, such important communication and psychology skills are rarely or never taught in most engineering and technical courses.

Dealing with mental health problems

It is important for leaders and team managers to know how to detect and deal with problems like low-motivation, procrastination, low self-esteem (or lack of confidence), fear, anxiety, negativity / pessimism, anger, disrespect (or contempt), Narcissism / NPD, perfectionism / control-freak behaviour / OCPD, someone being overcritical or too judgmental, someone being too arrogant and boastful, bullying, harassment, malicious slander, false accusations, loneliness, trauma, depression and serious grief - due to workplace bullying, harassment, or a tragedy like the loss of a best friend, the death of a loved one, a serious injury (affecting that person or a family member), discovery of a partner having an affair, a miscarriage, divorce, discovery of a serious illness or disease, or huge financial losses.

If the leader or team manager does not know how to solve or ameliorate each and every one of these kinds of problems, he or she needs to at least be able to detect the signs that something is wrong, talk to the individual concerned in a caring and respectful manner to find out what is wrong, and offer helpful advice or recommend an experienced counsellor or therapist to help.  Of course, the best solution is for HR is to avoid selecting and hiring people who display many long-term mental health issues, or who show bad attitudes that could create big problems and unnecessary conflict in a workplace.  This is something that is quite difficult to judge in a short interview process.

So many things can go wrong in the life of a person, and this can cause one to feel miserable, depressed, over-sensitive, irate, or always in a bad mood - due to not knowing how to fix or deal with such problems.  The real causes of most bad behaviour are often hidden and unknown to fellow workers (because the one suffering feels embarrassed to openly talk about such problems).  A person who is suffering in his or her personal life may cause a great deal of tension, friction and resentment in work relationships, especially if others do not know why that person is acting miserable, grouchy, very critical or unfriendly.  There is a popular trope or axiom that says: "Hurt people, hurt people"...  (i.e. People who are suffering, tend to make people around them suffer, similar to how a bear with its leg caught in the jaws of a metal bear trap would be in constant agony and would be hostile towards anyone who approaches.)  In some cases, people who are suffering low self-esteem due to many things going wrong in their life may try to feel better about themselves by insulting, belittling or embarrassing other people with a cutting remark or a slur.

All bad words and undesirable  actions have a reason, intention or an underlying cause.  Such problems can be avoided or prevented in the future if the intention (reason or cause) can be identified and addressed, and an alternative or better action (or solution) can be executed when the intention is detected again in the future.  For example, all intentions can be compared against a set of values or 'good morals', and if an intention is found to be immoral or violates a person's "self image" or values, then that intention or desire can be used as a "trigger" or indicator to automatically start a better course of action.  Refer to the books: "Atomic habits" and "Change anything".  All bad habits have a "Cue" (trigger), a "Craving" (desire), a "Response" (action) and a "Reward" (feeling).  Almost everything people do is to achieve a "Reward" or a feeling.  If the "Response" (action) is bad, that is because the "Craving" (desire or intention) is bad.  Therefore, to change a habitual bad behaviour, a different or desired "Response" (action) needs to be executed when the "Cue" or "Craving" is first detected.  Sometimes a 'Crucial Conversation' (a 'sensitive conversation') is necessary to deliver constructive criticism to correct someone or influence a person to stop a bad habit, change a wrong course of action, fix a bad attitude, or replace a bad habit with a positive habit (or replace an undesirable automatic action, with a more desirable action).